Because of who I am, I'll skip the pain, questions, and struggles and get straight to the "answers" to all the issues. At least I don't waste time getting to my points. The answer is God. I was praying through improvised song which tends to cut straight to the heart and although there's a lot of hurt coming out, it's still really good. The only real answer to everything is God. So... anyways, this might sound like I'm using some overused cliches... but the reason why they're said so much is that there's some truth in them. And I do mean them.
God is my only hope and all I need. My life belongs to Him. And He is the only one who can always have me completely. God is the only one who can fill my emptiness and make me whole. He is the only one who can heal me and mend my brokenness. He's the only one who can offer grace and forgive me even though I've made so many mistakes. The only good decision for me to make is to trust God completely. Which also means believing that He is good (all the time!) and wants what is best. Although what is best for me is not always what I want. But I can put everything in his hands.
I'm not going to commit myself to a path without life or hope because I know that he can change any situation. God is in control. No matter how dark my light is, or how dim my view of life and the future is, God's love is an overwhelming brightness. And his power can overcome any forces of sin and evil that surround me or are in me. When I am weak, God is my strength. Therefore, I should not give up or grow weary. I don't know what will happen in the future, but where ever I go, I don't want to go anywhere without God. I can't. And if I walk with Him, I know I will never be alone.
The verse of a song I wrote that has touched me deepest recently is simple but profoundly meaningful to me and kind of sums everything up:
You might have your life together
But me, I have almost nothing left.
Lord, all I have is a life to give you,
A heart that hurts and my spirit cries.
I give you all, 'cause I trust you God.
I don't even know what you'll bring tomorrow.
But what I know is that you provide.
And I'm grateful for your love for me.
I am not afraid, because you are all that matters to me.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Community and Calling
Just some personal reflections I was thinking about after church today. The pastor said some things that struck me. He was talking about a passage from Acts and said that persecution was what started and spread the church. And how maybe we shouldn't be fighting the hard times but surrendering; because hardships may be God's way of propelling us into the place and ministry He has for us. Albert was saying that God has a plan and purpose for everyone. And the question we should be asking during hard times is not, "Why?", but "What?"
So on a personal level, my take on the issue of hardships is that I cause it for myself by trying to do everything on my own and never ask for help. I just say "I'm used to it", "I don't need friends", or "I'm strong enough on my own because of all I've been through in the past". But Albert was talking about the importance of having Christian community and friends who know you and walk with you. However I generally don't let anyone get close enough to be this for me. But I generally envy those who have close Christian friends so that they can mutually encourage each other and help one another grow in the faith.
It seems like nothing good ever comes from anything I do on my own. Everything I try seems to fail. So it feels like I often am taking a backseat in life and watching it go by. Because I know that there are things I simply can't do on my own. And with everything, I need God definitely. But without people involved... any actions I take are useless or meaningless. Because it means the actions are probably for my own benefit and not the benefit of others.
Which brings me to the subject of calling. There was this "key moment" in Junior High when a woman known to me as "the detention lady" came up to me at the cafeteria where I was eating lunch and told me that she had a dream about me singing (for people) and really loving it. Which is odd because she didn't even know me (although she could have seen me walking around a few times as it was a small school) and definitely couldn't know that singing was one of my greatest passions. So I assumed that the dream must have come from God because there wasn't really another good explanation. I mean, how could God make the calling any clearer? Most people don't have a calling quite so obvious. But apparently I'm dumb enough to require something obvious. Like this time in family camp where they needed someone to do overheads for worship. I didn't really want to but felt this "pull" like God wanted me to do it (I did overheads in church so I was experienced at least). So I prayed "God, if you want me to do this, you could have the worship leader come and ask me to do it." This sounds bad, I know. But anyways... sure enough... the next morning the worship leader comes marching straight up to me among the crowd and asks me if I would do the overheads. Uh, Ok God. You got me. I immediately agreed to do it.
But really... I should not need a violent shove to go in the right direction. But without such a push, I don't thing I've taken any steps in pursuing what I thought was the calling that God gave me or in using the gifts God has given me. I've gone in every other direction I could other than the direction it seems like God wanted me to go. And I use excuses like: No one can hear me anyways. And there are so many other good singers and worship leaders. I would just feel unneeded and redundant. But are these reasons NOT to act? All this came up in church today when a guy sitting in front of me said that he could hear me and that I had a beautiful voice.
However the key questions are (1) is my heart totally in it, and (2) is my mind, motives, and purpose focused on God. Because if the answers to any of these questions is "No" then I feel like I should not be singing. I don't want to "fake it" or sing words that I don't mean.
I was thinking and I remembered what stopped me in the past from pursuing what I thought was my calling. I gave it up because I thought I was TOO passionate about music and singing worship music and that God's gift could actually become something of an idol for me which could take my focus off of God. It sounds strange now, but I thought that giving up something I loved for the sake of God was for the best. I haven't stopped singing clearly, but seemed to have taken a prolonged break from pursuing this calling. But if I'm not pursuing this, than what purpose AM I pursuing? I haven't really had one. What am I doing with my life that's meaningful and serves others? I have plenty of intent to do meaningful things that help others in the future. But what am I doing RIGHT NOW? These are issues I constantly struggle with... finding hope, meaning, and purpose. But I think it's worth struggling. And trying to pursue God.
So on a personal level, my take on the issue of hardships is that I cause it for myself by trying to do everything on my own and never ask for help. I just say "I'm used to it", "I don't need friends", or "I'm strong enough on my own because of all I've been through in the past". But Albert was talking about the importance of having Christian community and friends who know you and walk with you. However I generally don't let anyone get close enough to be this for me. But I generally envy those who have close Christian friends so that they can mutually encourage each other and help one another grow in the faith.
It seems like nothing good ever comes from anything I do on my own. Everything I try seems to fail. So it feels like I often am taking a backseat in life and watching it go by. Because I know that there are things I simply can't do on my own. And with everything, I need God definitely. But without people involved... any actions I take are useless or meaningless. Because it means the actions are probably for my own benefit and not the benefit of others.
Which brings me to the subject of calling. There was this "key moment" in Junior High when a woman known to me as "the detention lady" came up to me at the cafeteria where I was eating lunch and told me that she had a dream about me singing (for people) and really loving it. Which is odd because she didn't even know me (although she could have seen me walking around a few times as it was a small school) and definitely couldn't know that singing was one of my greatest passions. So I assumed that the dream must have come from God because there wasn't really another good explanation. I mean, how could God make the calling any clearer? Most people don't have a calling quite so obvious. But apparently I'm dumb enough to require something obvious. Like this time in family camp where they needed someone to do overheads for worship. I didn't really want to but felt this "pull" like God wanted me to do it (I did overheads in church so I was experienced at least). So I prayed "God, if you want me to do this, you could have the worship leader come and ask me to do it." This sounds bad, I know. But anyways... sure enough... the next morning the worship leader comes marching straight up to me among the crowd and asks me if I would do the overheads. Uh, Ok God. You got me. I immediately agreed to do it.
But really... I should not need a violent shove to go in the right direction. But without such a push, I don't thing I've taken any steps in pursuing what I thought was the calling that God gave me or in using the gifts God has given me. I've gone in every other direction I could other than the direction it seems like God wanted me to go. And I use excuses like: No one can hear me anyways. And there are so many other good singers and worship leaders. I would just feel unneeded and redundant. But are these reasons NOT to act? All this came up in church today when a guy sitting in front of me said that he could hear me and that I had a beautiful voice.
However the key questions are (1) is my heart totally in it, and (2) is my mind, motives, and purpose focused on God. Because if the answers to any of these questions is "No" then I feel like I should not be singing. I don't want to "fake it" or sing words that I don't mean.
I was thinking and I remembered what stopped me in the past from pursuing what I thought was my calling. I gave it up because I thought I was TOO passionate about music and singing worship music and that God's gift could actually become something of an idol for me which could take my focus off of God. It sounds strange now, but I thought that giving up something I loved for the sake of God was for the best. I haven't stopped singing clearly, but seemed to have taken a prolonged break from pursuing this calling. But if I'm not pursuing this, than what purpose AM I pursuing? I haven't really had one. What am I doing with my life that's meaningful and serves others? I have plenty of intent to do meaningful things that help others in the future. But what am I doing RIGHT NOW? These are issues I constantly struggle with... finding hope, meaning, and purpose. But I think it's worth struggling. And trying to pursue God.
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