Physics wave theory of human interactions
In physics you learn about the theory of wave/particle duality. The smallest quantum unit of an atom, like the electron, can be thought of as both a wave or a particle. Now think of people in terms of energy and waves. If you could measure the energy and characteristics of the waveforms, you could obtain useful information. Suppose someone touches you... you get an idea of their energy (good/bad) which includes but is not limited to their feelings, thoughts, and emotions (since the brain sends signals as electrical energy) and your body is affected and responds to this energy. If you touch the person, energy is transmitted and reflected (like when you send waves into the ground and it encounters a layer). The transmitted energy impacts the person you're touching and the reflected energy gives you a picture of them and their response to your energy. Everyone has a different waveform... sometimes people have very different waveforms and when those waveforms get superimposed (added together), it is possible to get either constructive or destructive interference. In places where the waveforms interfere constructively, the resultant amplitude of the new wave is greater than the amplitude of the individual waves. However where there is destructive interference, the waves cancel each other out and the new wave is weaker in that area. Each wave is infinite in extent and not necessarily regular like a sine wave; in fact, the waveforms can be very complex since they consist of a superposition of various waves of different energies. Thus there will be areas of both constructive and destructive interference along the length of a waveform... so the most favorable form of interaction is when the two waves mostly interfere constructively and have an overall increased strength according to average amplitude after the two waves are superimposed. Also possible, but more difficult to find, is when you have two people with very similar energies and waveforms that come together with waves of just the right frequency and you achieve 'resonance'. So the resulting amplitude of the waves gets multiplied (not just added) by several times. This can result in very intense energies on both sides. Constructive resonant energy can be extremely powerful, but the drawback is that no two waveforms are exactly alike. So you can't avoid dissonant energy that also gets multiplied resulting in a lot more turbulence and instability. It is hard for such a system to reach stable equilibrium.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
God With Us (Part 1)
During my trip to
Christians and the church in general have been getting such a bad reputation in today’s society. Instead of being known for our love, obedience to God, and pointing people towards God, we are instead known as hyprocrites. As if we’re no different from the rest of the world and feel that we can keep sinning and just ask for forgiveness afterwards. Because Jesus died for our past and future sins and no sin we commit is unforgiveable (as long as we don’t deny the holy spirit. But if we do this we probably weren’t Christians to begin with). However we were set free from sin and made alive in Christ. Why would we want to again shackle ourselves with sin and hurt both God and ourselves? If we know an action is wrong, why do it? If we truly love God and others and are genuinely seeking God, our actions should reflect this. On the other hand, we don’t want to be too legalistic or judgmental of ourselves and others. God will judge everyone in the end. No one is perfect. Everyone has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Which is why it’s good that salvation is by grace and not by works. Mistakes are understandable but sins that are done deliberately or repetitively… maybe not so much. I believe that God won’t leave us, even if we sin. But it may be hard for us to hear what He’s trying to communicate with us. And there may be other consequences of the sin.
There was a discussion recently about how miracles seem to happen less in the
Why is life so hard? Is God angry with us? Was it something we did? How can we be reconciled with God? Everyone is asking the same questions.
I saw a BBC article recently related to the recent crisis of flooding in
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/from_our_own_correspondent/8931886.stm)
It mostly spoke about how misguided Americans seem to consider everyone from places like
“Many Pakistanis who have not been directly affected by the floods ask each other this question: Is it a punishment from Allah? Or is He just testing our faith?
One of the many religious scholars who pop up on our television screens during the holy month of Ramadan was asked the same question last week.
He shook his head and answered with the kind of hokey wisdom only TV preachers are capable of: "If you have transgressed, He is punishing you. If He likes you He is testing you."
Not everyone is reaching out for a divine explanation though.”
I generally don’t attribute natural disasters or random tragedies with acts of God. Although I generally pray and hope God will work some good through the situations somehow. The question I’m wondering is, how does sin in our lives affect us, our relationship with God, and people around us? It probably varies a lot according to the situation and the hearts and motivations of people involved. The simplest thing to say is to just try your best to avoid sinning, ask for forgiveness, and you don’t have anything to worry about. But as we’re so imperfect and it is tragic to see so many Christians and churches joining the world in moral backsliding and degeneration… it makes sense to ask questions. How does God see sin and how can the situation improve? Where am I at with God and how can I know and hear from God more? It’s a bit late to continue this discussion now but the first place to start is to go to the Bible to find out what God says about sin among Christians in his word. To be investigated later…
Monday, June 21, 2010
God's Voice
Recently I've been thinking a lot about how God speaks to us, how we listen to God, and the spiritual gift of prophesy. I do believe in spiritual gifts and that gifts such as prophesy can be exhibited by people who have the holy spirit within them. However there are also plenty of 'false prophets' and I am cautious when people say 'God told me this...' So many people have said that and weren't proven right; they may have been lying to convince people or perhaps they just wanted it to be true and imagined that God spoke to them. It's easy to misinterpret small coincidences or signs as more than they are. So although I don't automatically accept 'God said..' as undeniable truth, I will keep it in mind and will see if it comes to pass (although generally I won't base my actions solely on it). I can at least evaluate it based on whether it is consistent with God's character as portrayed by the Bible. If the message seems contrary to God's love, holiness, and righteousness, more than likely it came from a source other than God.
Anyways, I was thinking about the role of prophesy or God's guidance in my own life. God speaks in different ways. Most of the time I feel God's presence and sense that he's speaking to me in times of need when I am desperately seeking Him for help and comfort. And the end result is generally that I get some answers I'm seeking, a piece of wisdom that seems like it is too powerful and insightful to have originated from me, and a profound sense of peace. But sometimes it seems like the guidance is more specific, and it generally comes when I'm not even looking for it.
But there were times when I felt that God was speaking more specifically about my future... I don't know if I have the gift of prophesy, but I do know that I should pay attention if I feel that God is trying to get something across to me. And the times when this has happened, my responses varied (possibly depending on whether I agreed with the message or wanted it to be true). I also need to be careful interpreting messages and signs (is this message really from God or is it from me).
(1) Regarding the future:
While in Peru, I got a message which I felt/feel is from God which immediately changed my future plans. We were looking for a site to put a station in a remote area between Cusco and Juliaca where there just weren't many options. Eventually, we found a small road leading down to a river and across a bridge to a small, picturesque, hidden-away village. Now by small I mean like a dozen residents or something like that. A couple of families. There, in the middle of nowhere, I saw a sign saying 'World Vision' a Christian world relief organization that I had supported in the past. It was the first time I had actually seen it in action. I later saw other signs and places where WorldVision was working in Southern Peru. Upon seeing the WorldVision sign, I immediately felt... I guess a sense of joy and purpose. And hope. All my life I've wanted to do things that would somehow lead to being able to help people in need. I originally decided to do geophysics and study earthquakes because I thought it would allow me to be consistent with my undergraduate studies of physics while getting me closer to where I wanted to be, helping people who have been affected by natural disasters. Maybe, I thought, I could work on predicting earthquake hazards and helping people prepare for earthquakes. Or earthquake early warning. But when the project I ended up working on seemed increasingly distant from this purpose and not relevant to society, it seemed like I gave up, lost interest, and my performance most likely suffered as a result.
But back to world relief work... my original plan had been to get a PhD, find a postdoc, and then decide what to do (something involving geophysics and applying to USGS). But in Peru, I realized that maybe God had been preparing me for a different purpose. He's given me a love for traveling, and a desire to help, and I was thinking that some of the happiest times of my life were when I was serving God on mission trips in Mexico. In particular, this one event that happened in Mexico stands out. There was this Christian woman named Carmen with lots of children (eight or something like that). They were packed into this small, square home that looked more like a cardboard box the size of the bedroom in my apartment. And since my apartment is inexpensive, I can tell you that it's not a very large bedroom. It was a bit stronger than cardboard, but not by much. Anyways, Carmen's home was on a steep dirt hill that had been affected by recent rains and a mudslide was pushing up against her house and threatening to send it down the cliffside. Our mission was to dig away the dirt and mud pressing against the backside of the house, reinforce the walls of the house, and build a cement walkway and a cement retaining wall (containing cement bricks) to project the house from future slides. One of the most powerful moments was when my teammates forced me to take a break by taking my shovel away (since I hadn't wanted to stop working), and using only the word 'hola' I somehow managed to get a team of children together to mount our own attack on the intruding mud. Carmen's children had been watching us dig and wanted to help save their home, so we gathered small sticks and stones, got down in the mud, and quietly started digging together. The hole may not have been deep or in an area that actually needed a hole, but somehow working with the children as a team was deeply memorable and moving to me. I can't really describe it, you would have had to have been there. And it's amazing how shoveling mud, mixing cement, or doing construction projects can make me so happy.
So anyways, long story not very short, after seeing the World Vision stuff in Peru, I decided that after getting my PhD, I should travel and apply for a relief organization like World Vision. Because it's consistent with my passions, I feel like God called me to do it, and it gives me a hope and purpose that I had previously been lacking while getting burned out with physics and academics in general.
Having said this, I don't really think this is necessarily a long term occupational goal. It's just 'Stage A' after finishing up at Caltech. Maybe I'll be traveling and working abroad for 6 months, a year, or maybe more. I don't know. I just feel like I should give it a chance. Obviously it depends on where I'm at in life. If married, I might adjust the plans or timing since my future is not just about me and what I want. 'Stage B' is joining the real world; settling down and looking for a job. Which probably would be a job which is academic in nature or involving geophysics (teaching, oil industry, etc). I don't know what this will be but after Peru I set my immediate sights on pursuing 'Stage A'; whenever asked I told people that after Caltech I will be taking a short break from academics to travel and pursue world relief type work. And I took a first responder course to get some basic medical training which could prove useful for such a purpose.
(2) Another instance when I felt a clear message about the future, involved a relational type situation that I heard this voice telling me from the beginning would not work out in the end. But I ignored it since I really wanted it to be successful. And although it developed for years with lots of ups and downs, it generally always felt like there was something holding the friendship back and keeping it from taking off. Me, situations, issues, etc. I didn't always understand why things weren't working out as I had been hoping and waiting for them to. I basically said that there were plenty of opportunities for things to end, and if it wasn't in God's plan, why didn't it just end when it had the chance. Why would God let things come to pass if they weren't good? Why does God allow me to pursue things that will bring me pain? Somethings I just wished I could see the whole picture and see beyond the things that I want for my immediate future. But there's this issue of free will and the question of whether God has a specific plan for my future. And what if I go a different direction. God obviously knows what I will decide to do. But even my mistakes can have a purpose; hardships can cause me to seek God, grow in experience, knowledge, and character, and can help me get to the place I need to go. Without the mistakes I've made, I wouldn't be where I am today. Am I where I need to be at this current time? The place where God wants me to be? I don't know that, but I do know that (1) I should be satisfied and thankful for what God has given me and done for me and (2) God's not finished with me yet. I still need to strive to be more like God and to become the woman God wants me to be. This generally is what I've felt is God's purpose and will, it's not really about what I'm doing (careerwise, etc), but about who I am. And if the person I am is loving and intent on following God, the actions I will want to take would involve loving others, showing God's love and hopefully pointing people towards God.
But my point is not exactly that I should make mistakes in order to learn from the hardships I face and turn back toward God, the point is that God wants what is best for me and I should pay attention when he speaks to me. Even if it goes against what I want.
(3) And a final thing I've been wondering about which I am not sure whether it's a message from God is this highly unusual dream I had during my last trip to Peru. I've been open to the idea that God can speak to me through dreams. And I had a few dreams in my childhood that were highly symbolic (like allegories or parables) that seemed to be getting a message across; like be pure or beware of evil; seek refuge in God and the church. But never a dream that was highly specific and no dream has come true. Generally I don't dream anyway, and even if I do, it's generally just related to what I've been exposed to recently or nothing meaningful at all. And the dreams generally aren't particularly good or bad; at least they don't provoke any emotional response. It's like how watching TV doesn't effect me because I'm desensitized and I recognize that what's happening isn't real. Which is why I find it interested that people cry during movies. But that's off the subject. This dream was completely different; I remembered it perfectly, it was totally specific, and it was the most emotionally intense dream I've had. I was really shaken up upon waking. And nothing had been happening which could provoke such an emotional dream. Things had been going fine.
Four circumstances happened in the dream (1) my Mom had died which caused me to sob miserably (2) I was offered a boring, tedious job I knew would be painful for me (with the justification that I could handle it better than anyone else because I was used to suffering), (3) something bad happened to my car (4) I was walking with Paul and Robin Otto who were probably being spiritual mentors to me. They kindly asked how I was doing and I broke down and started crying again because everything that had come before had been so painful.
So my hope was that this was just a normal bad dream, despite being a highly unusual dream for me, because I have no past history of prophetic dreams or dreams coming true. But the clarity and intensity of the dream had me worried. Especially when very soon afterwards my Mom told me that she was having problems with her thyroids. I remembered the dream and was extra worried until the Ukiah doctors checked a lump in her thyroids and said it wasn't cancer. So I assumed that the dream wasn't a message from God. But then she got a second opinion from Stanford doctors later, found out there was actually cancer in her thyroid, and would need to get an operation to remove it. So I started worrying again. But then the operation went smoothly except for destroying her parathyroids and I got confused. Should I believe that the dream has meaning? Is my Mom still going to die soon? Or did God have mercy and spare her because of my prayers and the prayers of so many other people? Maybe it was just a warning of what could happen if we didn't pray? Does God change his mind or are prophesies inevitably going to happen? I was looking at the story from Genesis 18:16-33 where Abraham was pleading to God to save Sodom and managed to negotiate so that God said he would not destroy Sodom if 10 righteous people could be found in the city. But apparently there weren't and the city got wiped out (although Lot was spared). This is most commonly used as an example that God can change or delay what he said he would do as a result of prayers.
I still don't know what to think, but I do know that something bad recently happened to my car. And I know that I don't enjoy my current job already. The Ottos would definitely be my first choice for spiritual mentors although they don't live close to me. And as for my Mom, I guess I'm just hoping that she'll be okay since God has protected her so far. Maybe the dream was just a dream.
Anyways, there's more that I could say. I'll conclude by saying that God does speak, we just need to learn how to listen. And when God says to do something, it's probably best to obey.
Anyways, I was thinking about the role of prophesy or God's guidance in my own life. God speaks in different ways. Most of the time I feel God's presence and sense that he's speaking to me in times of need when I am desperately seeking Him for help and comfort. And the end result is generally that I get some answers I'm seeking, a piece of wisdom that seems like it is too powerful and insightful to have originated from me, and a profound sense of peace. But sometimes it seems like the guidance is more specific, and it generally comes when I'm not even looking for it.
But there were times when I felt that God was speaking more specifically about my future... I don't know if I have the gift of prophesy, but I do know that I should pay attention if I feel that God is trying to get something across to me. And the times when this has happened, my responses varied (possibly depending on whether I agreed with the message or wanted it to be true). I also need to be careful interpreting messages and signs (is this message really from God or is it from me).
(1) Regarding the future:
While in Peru, I got a message which I felt/feel is from God which immediately changed my future plans. We were looking for a site to put a station in a remote area between Cusco and Juliaca where there just weren't many options. Eventually, we found a small road leading down to a river and across a bridge to a small, picturesque, hidden-away village. Now by small I mean like a dozen residents or something like that. A couple of families. There, in the middle of nowhere, I saw a sign saying 'World Vision' a Christian world relief organization that I had supported in the past. It was the first time I had actually seen it in action. I later saw other signs and places where WorldVision was working in Southern Peru. Upon seeing the WorldVision sign, I immediately felt... I guess a sense of joy and purpose. And hope. All my life I've wanted to do things that would somehow lead to being able to help people in need. I originally decided to do geophysics and study earthquakes because I thought it would allow me to be consistent with my undergraduate studies of physics while getting me closer to where I wanted to be, helping people who have been affected by natural disasters. Maybe, I thought, I could work on predicting earthquake hazards and helping people prepare for earthquakes. Or earthquake early warning. But when the project I ended up working on seemed increasingly distant from this purpose and not relevant to society, it seemed like I gave up, lost interest, and my performance most likely suffered as a result.
But back to world relief work... my original plan had been to get a PhD, find a postdoc, and then decide what to do (something involving geophysics and applying to USGS). But in Peru, I realized that maybe God had been preparing me for a different purpose. He's given me a love for traveling, and a desire to help, and I was thinking that some of the happiest times of my life were when I was serving God on mission trips in Mexico. In particular, this one event that happened in Mexico stands out. There was this Christian woman named Carmen with lots of children (eight or something like that). They were packed into this small, square home that looked more like a cardboard box the size of the bedroom in my apartment. And since my apartment is inexpensive, I can tell you that it's not a very large bedroom. It was a bit stronger than cardboard, but not by much. Anyways, Carmen's home was on a steep dirt hill that had been affected by recent rains and a mudslide was pushing up against her house and threatening to send it down the cliffside. Our mission was to dig away the dirt and mud pressing against the backside of the house, reinforce the walls of the house, and build a cement walkway and a cement retaining wall (containing cement bricks) to project the house from future slides. One of the most powerful moments was when my teammates forced me to take a break by taking my shovel away (since I hadn't wanted to stop working), and using only the word 'hola' I somehow managed to get a team of children together to mount our own attack on the intruding mud. Carmen's children had been watching us dig and wanted to help save their home, so we gathered small sticks and stones, got down in the mud, and quietly started digging together. The hole may not have been deep or in an area that actually needed a hole, but somehow working with the children as a team was deeply memorable and moving to me. I can't really describe it, you would have had to have been there. And it's amazing how shoveling mud, mixing cement, or doing construction projects can make me so happy.
So anyways, long story not very short, after seeing the World Vision stuff in Peru, I decided that after getting my PhD, I should travel and apply for a relief organization like World Vision. Because it's consistent with my passions, I feel like God called me to do it, and it gives me a hope and purpose that I had previously been lacking while getting burned out with physics and academics in general.
Having said this, I don't really think this is necessarily a long term occupational goal. It's just 'Stage A' after finishing up at Caltech. Maybe I'll be traveling and working abroad for 6 months, a year, or maybe more. I don't know. I just feel like I should give it a chance. Obviously it depends on where I'm at in life. If married, I might adjust the plans or timing since my future is not just about me and what I want. 'Stage B' is joining the real world; settling down and looking for a job. Which probably would be a job which is academic in nature or involving geophysics (teaching, oil industry, etc). I don't know what this will be but after Peru I set my immediate sights on pursuing 'Stage A'; whenever asked I told people that after Caltech I will be taking a short break from academics to travel and pursue world relief type work. And I took a first responder course to get some basic medical training which could prove useful for such a purpose.
(2) Another instance when I felt a clear message about the future, involved a relational type situation that I heard this voice telling me from the beginning would not work out in the end. But I ignored it since I really wanted it to be successful. And although it developed for years with lots of ups and downs, it generally always felt like there was something holding the friendship back and keeping it from taking off. Me, situations, issues, etc. I didn't always understand why things weren't working out as I had been hoping and waiting for them to. I basically said that there were plenty of opportunities for things to end, and if it wasn't in God's plan, why didn't it just end when it had the chance. Why would God let things come to pass if they weren't good? Why does God allow me to pursue things that will bring me pain? Somethings I just wished I could see the whole picture and see beyond the things that I want for my immediate future. But there's this issue of free will and the question of whether God has a specific plan for my future. And what if I go a different direction. God obviously knows what I will decide to do. But even my mistakes can have a purpose; hardships can cause me to seek God, grow in experience, knowledge, and character, and can help me get to the place I need to go. Without the mistakes I've made, I wouldn't be where I am today. Am I where I need to be at this current time? The place where God wants me to be? I don't know that, but I do know that (1) I should be satisfied and thankful for what God has given me and done for me and (2) God's not finished with me yet. I still need to strive to be more like God and to become the woman God wants me to be. This generally is what I've felt is God's purpose and will, it's not really about what I'm doing (careerwise, etc), but about who I am. And if the person I am is loving and intent on following God, the actions I will want to take would involve loving others, showing God's love and hopefully pointing people towards God.
But my point is not exactly that I should make mistakes in order to learn from the hardships I face and turn back toward God, the point is that God wants what is best for me and I should pay attention when he speaks to me. Even if it goes against what I want.
(3) And a final thing I've been wondering about which I am not sure whether it's a message from God is this highly unusual dream I had during my last trip to Peru. I've been open to the idea that God can speak to me through dreams. And I had a few dreams in my childhood that were highly symbolic (like allegories or parables) that seemed to be getting a message across; like be pure or beware of evil; seek refuge in God and the church. But never a dream that was highly specific and no dream has come true. Generally I don't dream anyway, and even if I do, it's generally just related to what I've been exposed to recently or nothing meaningful at all. And the dreams generally aren't particularly good or bad; at least they don't provoke any emotional response. It's like how watching TV doesn't effect me because I'm desensitized and I recognize that what's happening isn't real. Which is why I find it interested that people cry during movies. But that's off the subject. This dream was completely different; I remembered it perfectly, it was totally specific, and it was the most emotionally intense dream I've had. I was really shaken up upon waking. And nothing had been happening which could provoke such an emotional dream. Things had been going fine.
Four circumstances happened in the dream (1) my Mom had died which caused me to sob miserably (2) I was offered a boring, tedious job I knew would be painful for me (with the justification that I could handle it better than anyone else because I was used to suffering), (3) something bad happened to my car (4) I was walking with Paul and Robin Otto who were probably being spiritual mentors to me. They kindly asked how I was doing and I broke down and started crying again because everything that had come before had been so painful.
So my hope was that this was just a normal bad dream, despite being a highly unusual dream for me, because I have no past history of prophetic dreams or dreams coming true. But the clarity and intensity of the dream had me worried. Especially when very soon afterwards my Mom told me that she was having problems with her thyroids. I remembered the dream and was extra worried until the Ukiah doctors checked a lump in her thyroids and said it wasn't cancer. So I assumed that the dream wasn't a message from God. But then she got a second opinion from Stanford doctors later, found out there was actually cancer in her thyroid, and would need to get an operation to remove it. So I started worrying again. But then the operation went smoothly except for destroying her parathyroids and I got confused. Should I believe that the dream has meaning? Is my Mom still going to die soon? Or did God have mercy and spare her because of my prayers and the prayers of so many other people? Maybe it was just a warning of what could happen if we didn't pray? Does God change his mind or are prophesies inevitably going to happen? I was looking at the story from Genesis 18:16-33 where Abraham was pleading to God to save Sodom and managed to negotiate so that God said he would not destroy Sodom if 10 righteous people could be found in the city. But apparently there weren't and the city got wiped out (although Lot was spared). This is most commonly used as an example that God can change or delay what he said he would do as a result of prayers.
I still don't know what to think, but I do know that something bad recently happened to my car. And I know that I don't enjoy my current job already. The Ottos would definitely be my first choice for spiritual mentors although they don't live close to me. And as for my Mom, I guess I'm just hoping that she'll be okay since God has protected her so far. Maybe the dream was just a dream.
Anyways, there's more that I could say. I'll conclude by saying that God does speak, we just need to learn how to listen. And when God says to do something, it's probably best to obey.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
God and pleasure
So... the point of this post in three words: I need God. I've been realizing that there are parts of my life that I seem to be keeping God out of. And regardless of what I'm doing, whether it's work or pleasure, I want God to be a part of it. There are times for having fun, and there are times for focusing solely on God. And those aren't separate things; giving time and glory to God can definitely be fun as well. If I'm spending all my time entertaining myself and being selfish and trying to please myself and others, and keep God totally separate, I'll be torn in two. It just won't be a good thing. It's amazing that God cares for us and wants to be in a relationship with us despite our weaknesses and imperfections. And I know I'm very far from perfect. I can't help but think what people 'of the world' think when they know we're a Christian but know that we don't always live the life we're supposed to. It probably just supports their notion that Christians are hypocrites. I was discussing this with someone who was saying how hard it can be to minister to children at Sunday school when you're spiritually low and not living the lessons you're preaching. And I basically said that even though we're not perfect, we're supposed to point people to a God who is. It's not about us... it's all about God, and the grace, love, forgiveness, and justice of God. So anyways, without telling myself what I need to do or be, what I know for sure is that I don't want to go there without God. Otherwise I don't see how the path will lead anywhere but to destruction. But I have the feeling that it's not quite right if I say, "God, I wish to go this way. And I don't want to go alone. Will you be with me and be a part of this?" I know that the more correct thing I should be saying is "God, where do you want me to go? Where are you leading so that I can follow?" This is where the breaking starts, when a part of me wants to go one way, but something tells me that it's not a direction that God wants me to go in. So I need to choose between my way and God's way (and obviously God's way is always better). Maybe there are several different paths before me, and God wants me to choose one and can bless me on the path I choose as long as I walk with Him. But surely there are some paths that can work out and others that will lead to further pain.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Only Hope
Because of who I am, I'll skip the pain, questions, and struggles and get straight to the "answers" to all the issues. At least I don't waste time getting to my points. The answer is God. I was praying through improvised song which tends to cut straight to the heart and although there's a lot of hurt coming out, it's still really good. The only real answer to everything is God. So... anyways, this might sound like I'm using some overused cliches... but the reason why they're said so much is that there's some truth in them. And I do mean them.
God is my only hope and all I need. My life belongs to Him. And He is the only one who can always have me completely. God is the only one who can fill my emptiness and make me whole. He is the only one who can heal me and mend my brokenness. He's the only one who can offer grace and forgive me even though I've made so many mistakes. The only good decision for me to make is to trust God completely. Which also means believing that He is good (all the time!) and wants what is best. Although what is best for me is not always what I want. But I can put everything in his hands.
I'm not going to commit myself to a path without life or hope because I know that he can change any situation. God is in control. No matter how dark my light is, or how dim my view of life and the future is, God's love is an overwhelming brightness. And his power can overcome any forces of sin and evil that surround me or are in me. When I am weak, God is my strength. Therefore, I should not give up or grow weary. I don't know what will happen in the future, but where ever I go, I don't want to go anywhere without God. I can't. And if I walk with Him, I know I will never be alone.
The verse of a song I wrote that has touched me deepest recently is simple but profoundly meaningful to me and kind of sums everything up:
You might have your life together
But me, I have almost nothing left.
Lord, all I have is a life to give you,
A heart that hurts and my spirit cries.
I give you all, 'cause I trust you God.
I don't even know what you'll bring tomorrow.
But what I know is that you provide.
And I'm grateful for your love for me.
I am not afraid, because you are all that matters to me.
God is my only hope and all I need. My life belongs to Him. And He is the only one who can always have me completely. God is the only one who can fill my emptiness and make me whole. He is the only one who can heal me and mend my brokenness. He's the only one who can offer grace and forgive me even though I've made so many mistakes. The only good decision for me to make is to trust God completely. Which also means believing that He is good (all the time!) and wants what is best. Although what is best for me is not always what I want. But I can put everything in his hands.
I'm not going to commit myself to a path without life or hope because I know that he can change any situation. God is in control. No matter how dark my light is, or how dim my view of life and the future is, God's love is an overwhelming brightness. And his power can overcome any forces of sin and evil that surround me or are in me. When I am weak, God is my strength. Therefore, I should not give up or grow weary. I don't know what will happen in the future, but where ever I go, I don't want to go anywhere without God. I can't. And if I walk with Him, I know I will never be alone.
The verse of a song I wrote that has touched me deepest recently is simple but profoundly meaningful to me and kind of sums everything up:
You might have your life together
But me, I have almost nothing left.
Lord, all I have is a life to give you,
A heart that hurts and my spirit cries.
I give you all, 'cause I trust you God.
I don't even know what you'll bring tomorrow.
But what I know is that you provide.
And I'm grateful for your love for me.
I am not afraid, because you are all that matters to me.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Community and Calling
Just some personal reflections I was thinking about after church today. The pastor said some things that struck me. He was talking about a passage from Acts and said that persecution was what started and spread the church. And how maybe we shouldn't be fighting the hard times but surrendering; because hardships may be God's way of propelling us into the place and ministry He has for us. Albert was saying that God has a plan and purpose for everyone. And the question we should be asking during hard times is not, "Why?", but "What?"
So on a personal level, my take on the issue of hardships is that I cause it for myself by trying to do everything on my own and never ask for help. I just say "I'm used to it", "I don't need friends", or "I'm strong enough on my own because of all I've been through in the past". But Albert was talking about the importance of having Christian community and friends who know you and walk with you. However I generally don't let anyone get close enough to be this for me. But I generally envy those who have close Christian friends so that they can mutually encourage each other and help one another grow in the faith.
It seems like nothing good ever comes from anything I do on my own. Everything I try seems to fail. So it feels like I often am taking a backseat in life and watching it go by. Because I know that there are things I simply can't do on my own. And with everything, I need God definitely. But without people involved... any actions I take are useless or meaningless. Because it means the actions are probably for my own benefit and not the benefit of others.
Which brings me to the subject of calling. There was this "key moment" in Junior High when a woman known to me as "the detention lady" came up to me at the cafeteria where I was eating lunch and told me that she had a dream about me singing (for people) and really loving it. Which is odd because she didn't even know me (although she could have seen me walking around a few times as it was a small school) and definitely couldn't know that singing was one of my greatest passions. So I assumed that the dream must have come from God because there wasn't really another good explanation. I mean, how could God make the calling any clearer? Most people don't have a calling quite so obvious. But apparently I'm dumb enough to require something obvious. Like this time in family camp where they needed someone to do overheads for worship. I didn't really want to but felt this "pull" like God wanted me to do it (I did overheads in church so I was experienced at least). So I prayed "God, if you want me to do this, you could have the worship leader come and ask me to do it." This sounds bad, I know. But anyways... sure enough... the next morning the worship leader comes marching straight up to me among the crowd and asks me if I would do the overheads. Uh, Ok God. You got me. I immediately agreed to do it.
But really... I should not need a violent shove to go in the right direction. But without such a push, I don't thing I've taken any steps in pursuing what I thought was the calling that God gave me or in using the gifts God has given me. I've gone in every other direction I could other than the direction it seems like God wanted me to go. And I use excuses like: No one can hear me anyways. And there are so many other good singers and worship leaders. I would just feel unneeded and redundant. But are these reasons NOT to act? All this came up in church today when a guy sitting in front of me said that he could hear me and that I had a beautiful voice.
However the key questions are (1) is my heart totally in it, and (2) is my mind, motives, and purpose focused on God. Because if the answers to any of these questions is "No" then I feel like I should not be singing. I don't want to "fake it" or sing words that I don't mean.
I was thinking and I remembered what stopped me in the past from pursuing what I thought was my calling. I gave it up because I thought I was TOO passionate about music and singing worship music and that God's gift could actually become something of an idol for me which could take my focus off of God. It sounds strange now, but I thought that giving up something I loved for the sake of God was for the best. I haven't stopped singing clearly, but seemed to have taken a prolonged break from pursuing this calling. But if I'm not pursuing this, than what purpose AM I pursuing? I haven't really had one. What am I doing with my life that's meaningful and serves others? I have plenty of intent to do meaningful things that help others in the future. But what am I doing RIGHT NOW? These are issues I constantly struggle with... finding hope, meaning, and purpose. But I think it's worth struggling. And trying to pursue God.
So on a personal level, my take on the issue of hardships is that I cause it for myself by trying to do everything on my own and never ask for help. I just say "I'm used to it", "I don't need friends", or "I'm strong enough on my own because of all I've been through in the past". But Albert was talking about the importance of having Christian community and friends who know you and walk with you. However I generally don't let anyone get close enough to be this for me. But I generally envy those who have close Christian friends so that they can mutually encourage each other and help one another grow in the faith.
It seems like nothing good ever comes from anything I do on my own. Everything I try seems to fail. So it feels like I often am taking a backseat in life and watching it go by. Because I know that there are things I simply can't do on my own. And with everything, I need God definitely. But without people involved... any actions I take are useless or meaningless. Because it means the actions are probably for my own benefit and not the benefit of others.
Which brings me to the subject of calling. There was this "key moment" in Junior High when a woman known to me as "the detention lady" came up to me at the cafeteria where I was eating lunch and told me that she had a dream about me singing (for people) and really loving it. Which is odd because she didn't even know me (although she could have seen me walking around a few times as it was a small school) and definitely couldn't know that singing was one of my greatest passions. So I assumed that the dream must have come from God because there wasn't really another good explanation. I mean, how could God make the calling any clearer? Most people don't have a calling quite so obvious. But apparently I'm dumb enough to require something obvious. Like this time in family camp where they needed someone to do overheads for worship. I didn't really want to but felt this "pull" like God wanted me to do it (I did overheads in church so I was experienced at least). So I prayed "God, if you want me to do this, you could have the worship leader come and ask me to do it." This sounds bad, I know. But anyways... sure enough... the next morning the worship leader comes marching straight up to me among the crowd and asks me if I would do the overheads. Uh, Ok God. You got me. I immediately agreed to do it.
But really... I should not need a violent shove to go in the right direction. But without such a push, I don't thing I've taken any steps in pursuing what I thought was the calling that God gave me or in using the gifts God has given me. I've gone in every other direction I could other than the direction it seems like God wanted me to go. And I use excuses like: No one can hear me anyways. And there are so many other good singers and worship leaders. I would just feel unneeded and redundant. But are these reasons NOT to act? All this came up in church today when a guy sitting in front of me said that he could hear me and that I had a beautiful voice.
However the key questions are (1) is my heart totally in it, and (2) is my mind, motives, and purpose focused on God. Because if the answers to any of these questions is "No" then I feel like I should not be singing. I don't want to "fake it" or sing words that I don't mean.
I was thinking and I remembered what stopped me in the past from pursuing what I thought was my calling. I gave it up because I thought I was TOO passionate about music and singing worship music and that God's gift could actually become something of an idol for me which could take my focus off of God. It sounds strange now, but I thought that giving up something I loved for the sake of God was for the best. I haven't stopped singing clearly, but seemed to have taken a prolonged break from pursuing this calling. But if I'm not pursuing this, than what purpose AM I pursuing? I haven't really had one. What am I doing with my life that's meaningful and serves others? I have plenty of intent to do meaningful things that help others in the future. But what am I doing RIGHT NOW? These are issues I constantly struggle with... finding hope, meaning, and purpose. But I think it's worth struggling. And trying to pursue God.
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